I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford

As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.

I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

A new men's cologne is in development which smells of electric eels shocking a Silicon Valley giant.
Its called Eel-on Musk.

What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.

I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.

Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!

How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.

What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."

What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.

Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow

What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.

I don’t want an apple a day because I don’t want you to go away.

My drinking team has a bowling problem.

What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".

"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."

Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.

"A Knotty Problem"

A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?

– Patrick Winstanley

I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde

What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”

What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.

The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.

What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!

What is a car’s favourite colour?

Racing car green.

Are you a beaver? Beause daaaaaaaaam!

I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.

"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck

What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.

My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.

What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.

“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.

Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.

Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!

Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.

What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?

“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin

A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."

I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.

Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.

It's getting warmer and the snow is melting. Time for me to melt your heart.

Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.

I have bean
thinking about you.

Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.

A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”