Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
Every time I think about you, my heart’s tempo shifts from adagio to allegro.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
Roses are red, violets are blue....
....
....
Sorry I just got lost in those eyes of you.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Honestly, I really lilac you.
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.
— Ogden Nash
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Your sun salutation would get me to rise every morning.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
Where did the ghost go on holiday? The Boohamas.
Go to BabaMail
