My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I would really love to run away with you.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
You're like my favourite chocolate bar - half sweet and half nuts!
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
Nice Skates... wanna puck?
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
Hi. Do you remember me? Oh, that’s right—we’ve only met in my dreams.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless.
Did you heard about the zombie crow? He wants to eat your grains.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Do you have a Band-Aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
I just tossed a penny into the fountain, want to make my wish come true?
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
I'm on a hunt - for your number.
“Every mile is two in winter.”
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
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