Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
What did the baby chicken say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
Dad, look what marma-laid!
I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
I'm snow bored.
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
This summer is going swimmingly.
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Can I also deposit my number into your phone?
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
I would love to show you first class.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
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