What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.

Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!

What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!

What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.

I read dead people.

"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox

I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.

Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.

My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."

It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.

When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!

My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.

What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.

The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.

What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.

“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”

Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.

What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.

I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.

Girls just wanna have sun!

I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.

"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard

Have you ever driven a boat? Try to park it on my dock.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...

One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.

As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.

Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.

Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.

She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.

You had me at taco.

A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene

I C Major potential in us getting together.

What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."

What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.

When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.

One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.

"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."

Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.

And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.

Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.

Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!

What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.

"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!

You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."