What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
Is it true what they say about the size of a man’s canine teeth?
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
If you were here, Abby all over you
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
Do you have Spotify? You better have premium so we could get some uninterrupted action.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
I'm snow bored.
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
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