What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
Hey, are you a campfire? ‘Cause you’re super hot and I want s’more.
From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window.
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
I’d be Ryan if I said you weren’t cute
I got fired for eating chips at work.
Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.
There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
I've been thinking of U periodically.
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
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