We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
I bet you’re Ethan better in person
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
I bet you I could stop gambling.
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
The square root of all my fantasies is you.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
Mooning is very ASStrological
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
If you were a flower, I would pick you.
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