As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Irish you were beer.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
Hello Boo-tiful.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.
Hi, I’m a T-cell, and I’m here to protect you from everything.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
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