I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
You’re wine in a million.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
Yes! I've always known you were a bit nutty!
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
Until I saw you, I didn't believe I'd ever see an arctic fox.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet
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