Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
My feelings for you are Mont-real.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
Call me Pooh. Because all I want is you, honey!
Lady, you mak me All Shook Up and wake my Animal Instinct
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Baby, you're a firework.
Did the Lord take the thunder from the skies, and put it in your thighs?
Were you arrested today? It must be illegal to look so beautiful.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
You smell just like my mom, want to grab a drink?
A man was once offended
By a pun writing contest he entered
He submitted ten
Sure that one would win
But alas no pun in ten did.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
I like long runs on the beach.
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
Ice simply love it when it snows!
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
What do you say to a bee that bothers you?
"Buzz off!"
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
What did Mama pig ask her kids every day after school?
“Hoofeels hungry?”
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
I’m elf-taught.
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
We’re in a-green-ment.
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