Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
Damn girl, are you a magician’s assistant? Because I want you to disappear from my life.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
I came, I thaw, I conquered.
Your good weed for the day.
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
I bet you sound like a Tasmanian Devil in bed.
It's ice to meet you.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
Do you play the guitar? Because you can touch strings of my heart
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
How does Frankenstein eat his dinner?
He bolts it down.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
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