Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
I wish I was your calculus homework, because then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
The pool water isn’t very hot but you sure are.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
My name is Romeo, will you be my Juliet?
My lobster's name is:
Claude
Are you from another world? You look like my love from another star.
Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
Whatever coats your boat.
Why did the witch's cat scratch her?
Because he was in a bad mewd.
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
You have a pizza my heart.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
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