I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
Hey baby, the sun is not the only thing that rises.
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
What is a werewolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ike.
Ike who?
Ike can rock your world, baby.
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!
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