My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak

Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.

Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.

What does an obstinate piglet always say to his mama?
“Sow what?”

You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?

“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”

― Tamora Pierc

Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.

What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!

My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!

What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.

Don't be a jerk-o-lantern

When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.

[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.

What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.

What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.

What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.

What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.

My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.

Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.

They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.

Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.

He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .

That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.

- Diane Lefebvre

What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!

Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!

Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.

Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!

I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.

I'm sorry I wasn't around in the past. Can I be part of your future?

Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.

My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."

What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.

What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.

Let’s have high tea & fall in love sometime. You can be my little biscuit.

You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.

You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.

I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.

I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.

Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.

I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.

What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.

I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?

The weather outside is snow joke.

What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."

What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.

I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.

I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.

You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.

What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!

“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman