Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
You'd make for some real smooth sailing
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
I just want to say, “I love brew.”
We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
I feel tail great!
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?
"I mead more wine."
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
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