The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
Why don’t chickens wear pants?
Their peckers are on their face.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
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