Your body has the nicest arc length I have ever seen.

How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!

There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."

Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.

Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!

What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!

What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.

What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!

My dad told me he’s not gonna eat my deviled eggs this thanksgiving.
He told me they’re possessed.

The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.

Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.

Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.

What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.

Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.

“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty

Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.

Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.

What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.

Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!

“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade

"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."

There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.

Have you ever driven a boat? Try to park it on my dock.

Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?

You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!

What a great match!..I hope when you see my message you don’t give it Ah-big-ail no and leave me hanging

"You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen foods section—because you could melt all this stuff."
- Steve Martin, My Blue Heaven (1990)

I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.

"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”

- Robert Fros

"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."

A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.

Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.

Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.

“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”

- Eddie Izzard.

How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.

What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive

The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.

I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."

- Mae West

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

Is your name Alice? ‘cause baby I can show you Wonderland.

Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.

My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."

Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U

I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.

Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."

What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.

How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.