Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?
A bird who can pluck itself.
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are as clear as crystal? Because I can see straight into your soul.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
Hey baby, are you my flight? Because I wish I could catch you.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
This is one spray-cation to remember.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
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