Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.

What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.

Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!

(Kristin Frederick)

This foundation is rock salad.

What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.

How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.

Are you squiding me right now?

Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.

What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.

Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.

Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.

Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.

What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.

Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!

When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'

I'm acorn-y person.

Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.

She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?

"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills

One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.

I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.

"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright

The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.

I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fork
Fork who?
Fork-get it, I'm leaving!

What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.

Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”

I put the “man” in Manitoba.

Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!

Every function without you will always be void of love.

Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.

Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.

I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.

Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.

I just had to tell you. Your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see.

Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.

"Yoda one for me."

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”

What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!

Baby, I would trade the entire candy bar in the world for you.

What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys

An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.

If I followed you home, would you keep me?

Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.

You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.

Are you a doughnut? Because I find you a-dough-rable.

Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.

Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?