A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
Is that a fugue I can hear? Because we’re about to get entangled
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
I really caribou-t you.
“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
Knock knock!
Who's there?
When where.
When where who?
Tonight, my place, me and you.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
I’m trying to find a date for this weekend…do you Noah guy?
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
Feeling my shelf.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
Wanna go out sometime? I’d consider it an Er-win if you said yes.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
Is there a science room nearby, or am I just sensing chemistry between us?
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
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