Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.

What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.

I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?

My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."

What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.

How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!

I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.

Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!

What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!

Boy: Want to hear a joke?
Girlfriend: Sure.
Boy: Our relationship.

Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?

Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now

I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.

When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.

How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.

Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.

There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.

I can be your travel pillow.

Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?

"I wood never leaf you."

Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.

I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.

I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.
After all, all psychos have a silent p.

"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis

Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.

Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.

What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.

Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!

Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.

Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.

What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.

“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard

The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.

A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"

There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'

What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.

What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.

What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.

Corona crisis reaches new level:
Iran out of toilet paper.

What do you call a necromancer werewolf?
A dog with a bone.

Even my new stainless steel cookware set isn't as slick as you.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.

"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind

Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.

How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.

Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.