“A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.”
- Bertrand Russell
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
I saw you on Spotify so thought to text you. You were in the hottest singles this week.
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met. Goodbye.
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
Snow on and snow forth.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
Who’s at the door?
It’s snowbody.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because the cows have horns.
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
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