Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
You must be Saturn Because I feel attracted to you even when I’m a million miles away!
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
I've been thinking of U periodically.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
Q: Patient: Doctor, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible.
A: Doctor: Who said that?
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
I’m winning this race to get your number. Are you game?
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
If you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
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