What’s a shark’s favorite science fiction TV show?
Shark Trek.
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
Hi, you’re so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line. Would you settle for just flowers?
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
I'm sorry but you need to pay your rent.
You've been living in my heart for quite some time now.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
What do you call a giraffe winning a horse race?
A long shot.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
The temperature can only go up from here.
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.”
– Benjamin Franklin
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
According to the multiverse theory, there’s at least one universe where we end up together. Do you want this universe to be one of them?
Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
What do you call a camel without humps?
Humphrey.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
Go to BabaMail
