What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
Hi, I'm Mr. Right.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
Do you know the Tango? Because you're dancing away with my heart.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
You had me at taco.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
"Humor is reason gone mad."
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
You are more precious than my blue suede shoes
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
I must be a litmus paper, and you must be acid. Because every time I come into contact with you, I turn all red.
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
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