I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
The expiration date says "best if used by tonight." Can I make you dinner?
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
You’re the queen of my heart.
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
Do you have the power of a volcano? Because I lava you!
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
Even The Beatles think that we should "Come Together." "Right now."
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
The reason why mushrooms are always welcome even in high-end parties is because everybody believes they are really fun-guys.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
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