“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
If I could rearrange the alphabet...
I'd leave it the way it is.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
I think therefore I yam.
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
I was wondering if you like science because I have had my ion you for some time.
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Fairies just wand to have fun.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
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