Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Battlestar Gallactica marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
I think we're mint to be!
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.
What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
I like milk and cookies but I would rather have you.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
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