Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
“I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.”
Steven Wright
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
Because of my rights related to eminent domain, you have to compensate me for stealing my heart.
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
Nice Ass-teroid.
I really caribou-t you.
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