Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
You are astoundingly gorgeous, but I can tell that’s the least exciting thing about you. I’d love to know more.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
It’s a winterful day!
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Mirra.
Mirra who?
Mirra mirra on the wall, you're the fairest of them all.
Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
Wanna hear the mountain joke?
nah you won't get over it
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
Are you Rudolph’s red nose? Because baby, I would say you glow.
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
Dominic Pick-Up Lines
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
If we are both math majors, then why is there so much chemistry between us?
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
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