Are you a human? Just making sure.
"On cloud wine."
The knight fell very sick over the weekend. He had a running temperature and was feeling very nauseous. The doctor called it the Saturday Knight Fever.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
You must be vaporizing from a solid-state because I think you are absolutely sublime.
I Ecuador you.
You are beryllium, gold, and titanium all rolled into one. Simply BeAuTi-ful.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every f**king day.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
What's the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
What do you call a werewolf that's found the cure for lycanthropy?
A lycan'tthrope.
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
Hey you long legged girl with the short dress on. I finally found you!!
I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
Harambe wasn’t only one of the best gorillas I’ve ever met...
He was also a great ape.
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
Is your name Misty? You look so good in the rain.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
Omelette you in on a secret. You and I would brie perfectly gouda.
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
I'd drink your bathwater.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
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