Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
Hey, so how do you spell your name?
OK, and how do you spell your number?
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
My love for you sprouts more and more everyday!
If we were binary, you’d be the one for me.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Tom Hanks just got the Corona virus.
They had to lock the whole Cast Away.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
Omelette you in on a secret. You and I would brie perfectly gouda.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
Permit me to restructure the periodic table of elements and I would place U and I together.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
You are so right. And I am so left.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
There's a group of guys that assemble wooden furniture for fun.
I hope they let me join.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Glow!
Glow who?
Glow worm!
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!
Drowning doesn't seem too bad if you would give me mouth-to-mouth.
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
You can shiver my timbers anytime.
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
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