Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
Can you put some hot sauce on my enchilada, I need some spice in my life.
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
You really flipturn me on.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
Reading is a novel idea.
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
Let's make some sweet music together, honey
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you’re supposed to share your hotness with me.
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn't take it away every time you walked past.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
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