What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
You must be a fourth or a fifth, because you're just perfect!
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
Be a winner, date a swimmer!
I once dreamt of crossing a wide river...
But it ended up being just a ferry tale.
Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you?
Excuse me, do you happen to have a Band-Aid? ‘Cause I scraped my knees falling for you.
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
We make a great pear
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?
So he could Rest in Peas.
You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
It's always a first class trip with me.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
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