There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
“I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
Life is better when we stick together.
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
"You deserve better and so do I."
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Sleigh, what?!
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
Nathan compares to you
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
I like my coffee like I like my men: either tall or with a confusing Italian name.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
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