What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
"I wood never leaf you."
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.
What’s the difference between a school bus driver and a winter cold? One knows all the stops, and the other stops the nose.
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
Are you dessert because I'm finished.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.
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