Well well, you’ve John and got my attention for sure

Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".

What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.

That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.

Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.

“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.

My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".

I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.

Are you heading to India? 'Cause I'd Goa anywhere with you!

"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,

It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?

An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.

My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:

"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."

My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.

The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.

Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Tamara.

Tamara who?

Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!

Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.

My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.

“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr

How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes

What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!

Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.

Can i give you a kiss? If you don’t like it, you can return it.

Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.

Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?

What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.

I imagined I saw a rainbow but it must have been a pigment of our imagination.

"Physically I’m here. Mentally I’m in a pool in Bali ordering my third mojito."

You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law

“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales

Miners Refuse To Work After Death

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!

What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.

Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).

You know what they say... Big Feet.

"The Centipede"

I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.

– May Fenn

What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!

When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!

Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.

What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.

Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!

Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.

Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.