The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.

Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.

I’m browsing the winter-net.

World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.

What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.

There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!

Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.

Only a**holes use bidets.

People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.

For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.

What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.

Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.

Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.

What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.

Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.

"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle

Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.

Want to see the real coming attraction?

Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.

What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!

Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.

What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.

What is a mathematician's favorite part of a big Thanksgiving feast?
Pumpkin pi.

What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.

Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.

How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!

I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams

My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.

Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.

There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.

According to the second law of thermodynamics, you’re supposed to share your hotness with me.

You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.

Hey boy, I like your Irwin inspired outfit.

Are you an orphanage? Cause I wanna give you kids.

What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.

What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.

Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!

Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.

Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.

I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!

Did You Hear About The Duck With A Drug Problem?
He was a quackhead.

Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.

What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.

Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)

According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

I don't normally like girls who wear red coats. But, for you I'll make an exception.

Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.