Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
There are two reasons why you should never drink toilet water.
Number one. And number two.
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
I get a real kick out of you.
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
Are you a durian? Because you're a total snack, but you smell like rotting flesh.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
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