Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.

It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.

Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?

Q: Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?
A: Because it was a for-rainer

What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!

I'm going to have to get a security guard because you're trying to steal my heart.

What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.

Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.

What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.

Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.

Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"

I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.

My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."

What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.

Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!

Don’t go bacon my heart.

Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.

“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown

A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.

What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.

Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.

What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.

How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.

“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson

Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.

Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.

Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.

Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.

“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

Do you squat here often?

What do you call an edible ion?
An onion

If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.

There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.

Your name must be Calculus Homework, because I have no interest in doing you.

Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.

What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.

Are you wi-fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.

What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"

How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.

“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.

How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!

“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”

Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!

Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.

“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke

Honey, you’re a slam dunk!

Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.

Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?

What kind of bears dissolve in water?
Polar bears.