“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
Hey pumpkin – I bet I can put a smile on your face.
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
Know what? I dig you, really!
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
Treat yo'elf.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
You are the hottest thing since sunburn.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
The expiration date says "best if used by tonight." Can I make you dinner?
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
The boot black brought the black boot back.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
If anyone says you’re a 10/10, they are lying, you’re an Ella-ven
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
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