What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
Broken pencils are pointless.
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
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