"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
Do you believe in love at first flight?
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
What’s the healthiest piece of furniture?
The vege-table
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
Where my prose at?
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Where do you think the astronauts keep their sandwiches? In the launch-box.
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