What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
"Hey babe, you heard of the movie 'Other people?'"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think we should see it."
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
You must be a neuron, cause you’ve got some action potential.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
You're hot enough for both of us during winter.
I must be a diamond now, because you just gave me a hardness of 10.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
What were cooking shows in ancient Egypt called:
Wok like an Egyptian.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
If you were a function, then you’d be my asymptote ’cause I always tend toward you!
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
I was wondering about the color of the wind when it suddenly occurred to me that it blue.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
I’m not sure the best way to approach you..could you give me a Vivinsider tip?
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling Of Isolation
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