When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!

Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).

Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."

When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.

What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!

I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.

My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.

Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”

“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson

Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.

My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.

“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar

What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.

Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.

“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers

A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence

What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.

Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.

Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.

What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.

“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”

- Patricia McCann

These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!

How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”

Coffee, tea, or just more of me?

Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.

Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?

(Justin Worthy)

What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini

Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.

What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.

What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.

What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!

My dyslexia has reached a new owl.

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.

I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.

How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.

Dog heaven must be missing an angel.

I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.

What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.

Organ donors really put their heart into it.

How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.

Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson

What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum

I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.