Hey, mind if I take you out to dinner sometime? I don’t wanna go Nico-less
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
You can call me Jonah.
Because I'm going to show you a whale of a time.
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
Baby, I would trade the entire candy bar in the world for you.
I can tell what a woman drinks just by looking at her, and for you it's a diet coke.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
Girl, I know your wearing Nike, but I just won't do it.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
“There should be a rule against people trying to be funny before the sun comes up.”
– Kristen Chandler
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
I want you for no raisin.
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
Reading a shopping list, eh? I see we're both fans of the classics.
Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
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