“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
You might not be America, but I found a whole new world with you.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
Shell yeah.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
What is the similarity between a male deer and a beaver? Both have buck teeth.
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
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