What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
Hey baby, you know what sounds good? You and me never speaking to each other again.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
Are you heading to India? 'Cause I'd Goa anywhere with you!
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie one you like!
Long thyme no see.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
If you were here, Abby all over you
Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
You brighten up my day just like the anti-fog spray for my goggles.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
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