Summer is my favorite sea-sun of the year.
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese.
But it's only mild.
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
Do you have a library card?
So you can check me out?
No, because my cat just died and I need to find a book about cat funerals.
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
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