Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
Ohh hey… You’re Riley cute
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
I know you don’t Naomi, but I hope you will soon
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
That boy narrated his-story really well.
Wow, of course your name is Alice. Your body is a wonderland
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
"Dying to have fun."
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
Dinosaurs represent our relationship, because they both don’t exist anymore.”
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
I got fired on my first day as a car salesman.
Customer: "Cargo space?"
Me (speaking slowly): "No, not space.. Car go ROAD."
Manager: " Can I see you in my office?"
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
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