Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other
"Promises and pie-crust are made to be broken."
— Jonathan Swift
I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
What do ghouls drink?
Boos!
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.
“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”
“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!
(Robert Graves)
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
Salami get this straight, you've stolen my heart.
I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.
Why were the spruces in a group of three? They like to travel as a tree-o.
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
"I'm so egg-cited, I just can't hide it."
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
I think you’re dandelion.
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
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