Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
"Dying to have fun."
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
Have you been eating Lucky Charms? Because you're looking magically delicious.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
I'm like a Christmas present - you'll love waking up to me in the morning.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Can I take a few shots at your goal?
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
Will you go penguin sledding with me?
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Honey, you’re a slam dunk!
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
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