My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
Honey, if you were a space station, you’d be called Deep Space Fine.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You made my life a mess
Please call a clean-up crew
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
(Pick up a sugar packet off the floor) Uh, miss? I think you dropped your name tag.
Are you a lateral pterygoid because you make my jaw drop.
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
"My cat doesn't like you."
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
What do you call a fish whith a car? A carfish!
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
You sleigh me.
I promise I'm good for more than just a one-timer.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
It’s so cold mailmen watch out for both dogs and polar bears.
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
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