“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Ah! The element of surprise.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
I took one Luca at you and I honestly couldn’t resist
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
If you suck playing the trumpet, that's probably why.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
Bad spelling makes me sic.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock-knock jokes!
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
What did the brick road say on thanksgiving?
Cobble cobble cobble!
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business. And, speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
There’s an earthquake in my heart, and you’re the epicenter.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gator.
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