What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!

What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!

What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...

Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Call me the pace clock, cause you sure can count on me.

I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.

“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling

What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function

“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous

What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.

What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.

"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson

What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.

When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!

I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.

How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.

“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous

“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.

What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”

You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.

Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.

Babe, there's a few tough road series coming up, but if we can make it through them, I'll know it's real.

What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."

Girl, you and me are like loaves and fishes. Together we might be a miracle.

My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.

A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.

The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!

There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.

How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.

How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it.

“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.

Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.

Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.

What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.

Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp

Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.

What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…

What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.

Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.

What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.

My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.

What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!

My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now

Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.