“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
You must be related to Alfred Nobel because baby you are dynamite!
My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
What does a person with Covid like to drink?
Coughy.
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
"Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos."
– Don Kardong
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
Hey Anthony, methinks Antho-Need your number
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
Got plans for leftovers, yet?
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Reading is a novel idea.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
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