“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
My name is Romeo, will you be my Juliet?
Girl, it would be both a Crime and a Punishment if you don't let me take you out.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
We’re in a-green-ment.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
One night I looked up at the stars and thought, ‘Wow, how beautiful.’ But now that I’m looking at you, nothing else can compare.
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
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