An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
Baby, I would trade the entire candy bar in the world for you.
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
I'll be kicking myself if I don't get to know you better.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
You must be phylum because you seem to be above class.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
You're one in a melon.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
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