I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.
Not so fast
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
Are you wi-fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
My glasses fogged up once I came out of the AC room last summer, but I was okay because I was opti-mistic.
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
Just shooting my shot here, because you look so good. Hope it lands, but I guess Wesley..
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