This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.

During the pandemic, all the children asked to draw pictures of the different types of grass. The children had to submit their grass-essments online.

What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.

How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.

There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.

What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.

Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.

Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.

How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.

Is that the sun coming up?
Or is it just you lighting up my world?

I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.

There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?

Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.

My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt

IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.

“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”

- Garry Shandling.

What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.

Knock knock.
Come in.

Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.

They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope you find someone who treasures you.

You’re sweeter than fructose.

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx

“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown

“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak

Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.

What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.

I love you dairy much.

“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton

What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”

Call me a pirate and give me that booty.

"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr

What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.

What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.

There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run

Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.

Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.

If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.

I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.

"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."

The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.

Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.

I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.

We've reached the point of snow return.

What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"

Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.

What do a witch and a candle have in common?
They're both wicked.

You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.

My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.