Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others?
Alpha Yeti Spaghetti!
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
You may be flightless but you make my heart soar.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
Can you run with me so I can tell my friends I've ran with an angel?
Beauty is only pig skin deep
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
Once I tried to paint the sky but I blue it.
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
"Bugs and hisses."
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
I wish I had some butter for them biscuits.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
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