What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
I beg your garden?
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
More candles means a bigger wish!
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
You must be vaporizing from a solid-state because I think you are absolutely sublime.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
Did you just hit me with a pitch? I'm feeling faint.
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
I feel tail great!
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
A cowboy emigrated to Wales
and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.
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