People who fall sick at the airport possibly end up with terminal illness.
Are you the splash-and-dash? Because you've got my heart beating.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock-knock jokes!
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.
I'm acorn-y person.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
Damn girl, I must be an elephant. Because I'd never forget you.
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
What did the baby deer say to his friend?
“I’m so fawn-d of you!”
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
I stretched out my hamstrings, but every time I see you, I feel a tug at my heartstrings
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
Are you the Count Dracula? When you stared at me, my heart stopped.
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.
You must be calcification on a non-contrast CT, cause you’re just glowing.
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
Except the direction I'm walking in.
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
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