You just caused a heat wave.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late.
Max Kaufman
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
Copernicus was wrong, you are the center of my universe.
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...
But I can't put my finger on it.
If I asked you out, could the answer be Ameli-yeah?
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
I would give anything to be your personal item.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
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