Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
Roses should learn what it means to be perfect from you.
Hey babe, I’ve been straining my oculomotor nerve looking everywhere for you.
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
Witch fall flavor is your favorite?
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Are you a doughnut? Because I find you a-dough-rable.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
What sound do hedgehogs make when they kiss?
Ouch
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
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