What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day.
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
You are photon quanta to my valence electron because you excite me to a higher energy level.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
Do you know why Uranium is my favorite element on the periodic table of elements? That’s because I love U!
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
I have bean thinking about you.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
You should give me your number..who knows, I Michael you later…
What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Jedi Mind Trick: "This is the geek you're looking for." waves hand.
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
If you were an element you'd be francium because you're the most attractive.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
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