What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
If you can’t decide which side to take to Thanksgiving.
Bringing your side piece is guarenteed to cause drama.
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
I sulfur when you argon.
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
How Rudolf you to say that!
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
Everyone knows Albert Einstein because of his research in physics. But most people don’t know about his brother who did research in monster making...
His name was Frank.
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
How hot does your gas oven get?
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
I'm like acetaminophen. I'll make sure all your pains go away when we're together.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
I'd start a revolution for your number.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
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